Do not plant bamboo in your yard. If you have some sort of medical condition that requires that you plant bamboo compulsively, just make sure to do it in a pot that is in no way touching the ground. I can see putting it in a secure container which it could not ever get into the other soil, but do not put it into the ground. Unless you live in a forest in China.
I know it’s been a while since I posted. That is in part due to the bamboo situation. The people we bought the house from had planted bamboo in the front garden. Behind our white picket fence, was a wall of green horrors. Last summer, Nikki had demanded that I remove it. I said something to the effect of, “are you kidding, this is fantastic! It’s a natural privacy fence.” There is nothing natural about bamboo. There is a circle of hell so deep, that no light escapes it. Only bamboo and Fox News hosts.
So I set about removing the bamboo. Since the other shrubs were as simple to get rid of as placing an ad on Craigslist, we tried that again. A co-worker of mine’s husband came to remove the wicked green menace. It turns out that there were 2 different types planted. One was a clumping bamboo, that does not spread far, and can be removed simply. He took all of that. The other type is the running bamboo, which spreads like the plague, and grows like a radioactive insect of ’50s cinema lore. This was left behind.
So after weeks and weeks of promised return trips to come and get the rest of the bamboo out, i set to remove the horrible green monster. I started with the tree trimmer. That helped take down the shoots. The guides all recommend doing this. It is supposed to weaken the rhizome (a scientific word for “evil bamboo root”). I then commenced to break a shovel trying to get under the root structure. I called the invasive plant specialist for advice.
“You’ll need a 4 foot fiberglass handled pitchfork.” They said. So off to Jerry’s I went. I spent $40 on exactly what was recommended. Within 10 minutes of starting the project, I had sheared the handle off about 6 inches from the grip. And back to Jerry’s I went. “They don’t make them like they used to.” I told her. “I guess not.” is all she could reply. Within 30 minutes, I had upgraded my pitchfork to the resin-incased staninless steel handled pitchfork with the “Unbreakable Handle” label upon it. Indeed, it lasted far longer. From 11:30am Saturday to 5pm Sunday. About 8 full hours of digging and twisting. I’m jumping the gun here.
After I broke the first fork I also borrowed a reciprocating saw. This was my stroke of genius. Because the rhizomes grow intertwined, like a woven tapestry of hellish plantae, I figured that I would cut it into chunks and then sever the structure from underneath. This actually works, as silly as it sounds. So there I am, muddy saw, cutting 12″ into clay soil to remove the structure for hours on end. Late Sunday afternoon, I had removed about 95% of the roots, and I leaned on the fork once more to pry up one particularly heavy block. Face first into the fence, as the stainless steel “unbreakable” handle committed tool suicide and allowed it’s neck to break.
I exchanged that pitchfork for the same model hoping I would indeed get the advertised 30 years out of it’s warranty this time around. By the time I got home, my dear wife had convinced me to go just go after the rest of the roots the next day after work. I retired to the relative comfort of my chair and a handful of ibuprofen. The next evening, I came home, and when I looked at the chore ahead, something struck me as different… the plant man had come while I was at work, after doing ALL of the hard part, and removed the last little chunk. (and the fruit trees in the back yard, for which the bamboo removal was to be traded.) Grr. Not even a text message to the effect of “LOL yr treez r gone. I did the ez prt. kthanxbye”.
Don’t plant bamboo, kids. Just don’t do it.
